Cart

Your cart is empty

Continue shopping now

How Attachment Styles Inform Our Relationship Conflicts

Sporty & Rich Wellness - How Attachment Style Informs Our Relationship Conflicts

 

By: @ericabassowellness

 

Our relationships are an important piece of our overall health and wellness. They shape our psychological well-being, can lower levels of anxiety and depression, and create a longer life-span. Along with the many benefits that come with a healthy and supportive partnership, conflicts do inevitably arise. Research has shown that conflict in relationships is not inherently problematic, nor is it to be avoided. Your behaviors while in conflict can either be healthy or destructive and are likely informed by your attachment style.

 

Essentially, attachment style is a theory that explains how we formed a particular style of attachment to our caregiver in our early childhood in response to the degree in which our needs were consistently met. Your attachment style reflects the level of anxiety or avoidance you experience in relationships. Think about a recurring conflict you experience with a current or past partner, then read below to discover which attachment style you (and your partner) may fit into. 

 

Anxious Attachment Style

 

You crave closeness with your partner and have the capacity for deep intimacy.

A common fear may be that your partner can’t meet your desired closeness.

Relationships take up a lot of your energy, you tend to be sensitive to minor changes in your partner’s moods and behaviors, often taking them personally.

You are easily upset and experience a lot of negative emotions (i.e. jealousy, fear, insecurity, anger, paranoia, etc).

You tend to act out and say things you later regret. 

 

This style may stem from a lack of presence from your parents or caregivers in your developmental years, resulting in an “emotional hunger” for the parent. As a result, you may struggle with self esteem and have strong emotional needs. To cope with the fear of abandonment, you may demand assurance from your partner often. At the root of this conflict is the need to self regulate, be less dependent, and to derive esteem from oneself. If paired with a partner who has a more avoidant attachment, you may encounter the common pattern of “push-pull”. The more you seek closeness from your partner, the more your partner will pull away due to their own attachment fears, subsequently causing you to push for more closeness.

 

Avoidant Attachment Style

 

Your independence and self-sufficiency is most important for you in relationships

You may prefer your autonomy over intimate relationships

Too much closeness in a relationship is uncomfortable and you keep your partner at arm’s length

In relationships, you are on high alert for any signs of control by your partner

You tend to avoid opening up emotionally to your partners and you also don’t fear being rejected

 

This style likely stems from parents or caregivers who were unable to consistently attune to your needs. The physical needs may have been met, but not the emotional ones. The child learns to not trust the parent and develops an overreliance on themselves to meet their own needs. You may have a desire for closeness but your fear of emotions and engulfment will create avoidant behaviors, ultimately sabotaging your goals to create intimacy. Your mixed messages may be confusing to a partner and your partner may complain about you being emotionally distant. At the root of this conflict is the need to understand your triggers, increase awareness of the body while triggered, and to slowly practice getting close to someone. If you are with a partner that has an anxious attachment style, you may often feel suffocated by their needs for intimacy. Your fears will lead you to withdraw as a means to cope, often leading to more conflict in the relationship. 

 

Secure Attachment Style

 

You’re comfortable with vulnerability and are usually warm and loving to your partner.

You don’t see conflict as a threat and are able to communicate clearly while in conflict.

You are able to set and maintain appropriate boundaries

You aren’t afraid to invite people into your life 

 

Your parents or caregivers were able to manage their stress while also consistently engaging with you and meeting your needs for soothing when distressed. While not perfect, you generally feel safe and stable. You don’t fear being alone and can also thrive while in relationships. While in conflict with a partner, you remain hopeful and trusting. 

 

Identifying unmet needs you have from your parents or caregivers and your associated attachment style can provide you with meaningful insight around breaking patterns of conflict in your relationships. Understanding your attachment style can also increase self-compassion and it can be used as a guidepost to work towards more secure and satisfying relationships. It’s important to note that there is not a “good” or “bad” attachment style to have and that your style is not fixed. By choosing a safe relationship with a secure partner and/or working through your triggers in therapy, you can begin to move past the self protective mechanisms that you learned in childhood and form a secure attachment to your partner.

 

This article cannot cover the nuances of each style, so if you’re curious to learn more you can discover your attachment style in Attached: The New Science On Adult Attachments and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine. Working with a licensed psychotherapist can also help you move past your attachment wounds and find more satisfaction in your relationships, especially if you have a history of trauma. 

 

Erica Basso is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist practicing statewide in California. She helps guide women in overcoming anxiety, perfectionism, and relationship challenges. Learn more at www.ericabassotherapy.com

 

References:

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00296/full

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.717164/full

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4845754/

Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Previous
Next

The Wellness Club

Sporty & Rich Wellness - What’s Causing My Skin to Breakout?

What’s Causing My Skin To Breakout?

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @curanaturopathy Your skin health is a reflection of your internal health. If there's any signs of imbalance in the form of active breakouts, pimples, blemishes, so on, this can give us an indication that there's an imbalance internally and most often it's related to our gut health. Factors such as nutrition, hormones, stress, lifestyle choices can also influence your skin....

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - Are Electrolytes Healthy For You?

Are Electrolytes Healthy For You?

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @gooodmoodfoood I am sure you have seen a lot of information on social media and the internet lately about drinking electrolytes. This may be slightly confusing because we have been told for years that sodium is bad for us and is making us dehydrated! In reality, ultra-processed foods high in processed sodium leave us feeling dehydrated and lethargic. When an individual...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - The Importance of Non-Toxic Skincare: Health Risks of Popular Ingredients in Conventional Products

The Importance of Non-Toxic Skincare: Health Risks of Popular Ingredients in Conventional Products

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @inceipek1 In recent years, there has been a growing concern among consumers about the potential health risks associated with the use of conventional skincare products. Many popular ingredients found in these products, such as emulsifiers, parabens, and others, have come under scrutiny for their potential toxicity. Emulsifiers: Emulsifiers are commonly used in skincare...

Read more
SIBO: The Most Commonly Missed Cause of IBS

SIBO: The Most Commonly Missed Cause of IBS

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @drmelissa.co Bloating, abdominal discomfort, unusual gas, constipation and/or diarrhoea are all symptoms that western medicine commonly chalks up to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). But IBS is essentially a blanket diagnosis for a group of symptoms, without providing any insight into the cause of the symptoms or curative treatments. Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) is a condition of the small intestine. The...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness

Where to Start When Healing Acne

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @drmelissa.co Acne is one of the most complex skin concerns to treat. Treatment often involves a lot of trial and error and each case requires an individualized approach to achieve the best result. Patients may opt to treat the skin with pharmaceuticals (oral or topical), conventional skincare products, or with more natural options including supplements, gentle topicals, herbs, acupuncture, light therapy, etc. Regardless...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - Your Comprehensive Guide to SPF

Your Comprehensive Guide to SPF

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @dermahealthnutrition  Relaxing in the warmth of the sun is undoubtedly enjoyable, but are you aware of the potential risks? Protecting your skin from harmful rays is essential to prevent sunburn, reduce the risk of skin cancer and premature ageing. Here's what you need to know:...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - The Importance of the Skin Barrier

The Importance of the Skin Barrier

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @curanaturopathy Our skin barrier plays a crucial role in a healthy glowing complexion, but unfortunately there are many internal and external factors that influence the functionality of our skin barrier.  The skin barrier is the outermost layer of your skin, referred to as the epidermis or status corneum - this layer of tissue is...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - Omega-3 Fatty Acids for Skin Health

Omega-3 Fatty Acids for Skin Health

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @dermahealthnutrition  Omega-3 fatty acids are essential to our health and, according to recent research, may also have a positive effect on skin conditions such as atopic dermatitis, psoriasis, acne, and wound healing. Omega-3 fatty acids are a type of polyunsaturated fat and are called "omega-3" because the first double bond in their chemical structure is at the third...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness

The Connection Between Exercise and Skin Health

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By @coreflexpilates founder @chrisbardawil Exercise keeps our skin clear and firm, boosts its blood flow, removes toxins, and lowers cortisol levels. All of these factors are beneficial for the skin, but there are some things to be aware of when it comes to exercise and skin health, these are mainly; redness, bacteria, and drying out of the skin.When first looking up this...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - What is Microcurrent and Does it Work?

What is Microcurrent and Does it Work?

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

@drmelissa.co Microcurrent devices have become a staple in the routines of many skincare professionals and aficionados. These at-home and in-office devices claim to tighten and lift the face while softening fine lines and wrinkles...but do they work?  Microcurrent devices provide treatments that are non-invasive and gentle. They deliver low level electrical currents...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - Perioral Dermatitis

Perioral Dermatitis

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

By: @drmelissa.co Perioral Dermatitis (PD) describes the inflammation of the skin around the mouth (peri- meaning “around”, and oral referring to “mouth"). It typically presents as a red, itchy and swollen rash. PD most commonly affects females age 20 to 45, and can affect children as well. PD is often misdiagnosed as acne or rosacea. PD occurs because the skin around the mouth has fewer...

Read more
Sporty & Rich Wellness - Debunking the Myth: Embracing the Beauty of Oil for Healthy Skin

Embracing the Beauty of Oils for Healthy Skin

Translation missing: en.blogs.article.by Taylor Davis

  By: @inceipek1 For far too long, oil has been deemed the enemy when it comes to skincare. Many people believe that applying oil to the skin can lead to breakouts, excessive greasiness, and clogged pores. However, this belief is based on a misunderstanding of the complex nature of oils and their interactions with...

Read more